God, it’s always something with me, isn’t it?
The past few months have been some of the most confusing, inspiring, and transfiguring moments I’ve managed to experience in all of my 23 years of livelihood. Despite this, I also feel like I’ve learned quite a lot; how to deal with myself – my current journey of self-discovery and self-identity; learning how to manage relationships with others – understanding that failed relations with those from the past should not and cannot determine how I proceed with current friends, family, and my significant other, while also preventing myself from isolation and becoming a hermit of myself once again; revisiting things that used to make me happy as an individual (going back to my discovery of self) as I take this much-needed-yet-complexing-process-of-down-time to have some recognizable semblance of who I once was; bracing myself for impact of what the future holds as I try to let go of any and all things outside of my control, distinguishing what I can control so I can make things happen for myself (a nice lesson brought on by the AA/NA serenity prayer); and most importantly – learning to maintain my sobriety in all ways possible.
This Thanksgiving marked my 2 months of sobriety, and while it might not seem like a long time for most, it feels like lightyears for this recovering addict. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d actually make it this far without any mind-altering substance to pass my time or use as an excuse to party with. In fact, I’ve only been to a party or rave a total of 5 times, give or take, since this rocky phase of my life. That’s completely wild, even for me! I mean–
Can you imagine me, acting as a representative of all things grandiose, hedonistic, and “Messy,” while not even attending to those said things? That’s like Oprah being the spokesperson for “Weight Watchers” and cheating her way through `weight loss using Ozempic!
Regardless, I will forever have that identity of being a Messy Girl – its ingrained in me, its who I am, and it will always be who I am. Even the Messiest and wildest of the rich and the famous get sick of their own shit smelling up the room every once in a while. Look at Paris Hilton, starting a family and producing a new show with former bestie, Nicole Richie, as they document their own newfound lives! Becoming a reformed version of who I was prior and how you all as my audience perceive me to be, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This is something I had to learn on my own. This isn’t the end of my “party girl” days, nor the end of the DESTRUCTIONXDOLL brand as we know it. In fact, this may just very well be the beginning.
One thing that’s helped me get through this entire “recovery” process is, surprisingly but totally unsurprisingly, reading. I’ve specifically began gravitating towards autobiographies of a few of my favorite musicians. First, it started with the entirety of Motley Crue. “The Dirt,” while some facts within that book I found were written to be more extravagant than the actual scenarios, was the beginning of what helped me get through my first trip to rehab. What else can you do with no cellphone or technological advances besides television in sight? Everyone knows Motley Crue as this “drugs, sex, and rock-and-roll” hair metal band personification rolled into 4 different individuals. Yet, what seemed glamorous, trashy, and rebellious on the outside, not all that glitters is gold (and this can be said for the next musicians I’m about to mention). Their image, even before becoming big, reflected something much deeper and darker than a lot of people wouldn’t even think of in horror movies. Combining with a shit load of unrepressed trauma, addiction became the number one killer of their initial fall from grace, up until the late 90s. Though seeing how they managed to get through it all, back on their high horses throughout the chaos and destruction they caused along the way, gave me some light of hope that other musicians’ lives I consumed in reading only enhanced
[writers note: I also happen to have Nikki Sixx’s “Heroin Diaries up on my shelf, but have yet to finish it as it was gifted to my while I was in my more recent active addictive benders]
Keep in mind, I managed to get through approximately FIVE books during my time in the facility. So, you can imagine how invested I really got when I picked up Anthony Kiedis’ “Scar Tissue.” It never dawned on me just how long the Red Hot Chili Peppers had been around for – like, 40 years! The dedication that Kiedis and beloved bassist, Flea, had to this decades old project lit some type of fire under my ass, that if they can conjure up one of the most popular bands of their time AND today, I can put my mind to anything. For some reason, one of my biggest fears, that I am just dying to get over as it only puts further obstacles in my path, is getting too old in age that I’ll never reach my accomplishments, or it’ll happen later in life. Isn’t that silly? I feel the pressures of societal standards, that we all have to have our shit together so early in life or we’ll wither into existence at 30, has exploded my brain to no end and only further paralyzes me. And I bring this up for a reason, okay?! If you know how old Anthony Kiedis is, you’ll know as I, a die-hard RHCP fan (who’s seen them live with The Strokes and Thundercat live ahh!), that he discovered his own success very well into his late 20s to early 30s. Setbacks of extreme narcotic abuse, ample visits to detox and rehab, complexities of how he treated people in his relationships both in the band and, with friends, and romantics were all consistently present in his life, but he still refused to back down. As they say in AA and NA, “we admit we were powerless over our [addiction] and that our lives had become unmanageable”. I mean, to be real, how much can you really manage under the thumb of substances while also trying to keep the biggest 4-man band in the world glued together. Not to mention, THREE out of the 4 got pushed to the extremity of addiction. It's hard to believe Kiedis has even been alive this long after you get to know his history of concocting a variety of drugs and inserting it intravenously. It's a miracle really -- his familial background dealing with a dysfunctionally long distance co-parenting system, general neglect from his wannabe actor father who introduced him to sex and drugs at a young age, borderline homeless and squatting in different places -- and while this doesn't even cover it all, seems like he was set up to fail for life. Yet, his ambitions for music kept him alive. The empowerment I received reading through all of this is indescribable and something I'll probably carry with me in the long run.
Now if you want some real tea on another of Rock’s biggest bands, Saul “Slash” Hudson of Guns N’ Roses is definitely your guy. Now don’t laugh at me, but I’ll just be upfront and say I haven’t even finished it. In fact, I JUST got it a few weeks ago. Listen, before you up and skip this part, you gotta admit how good an autobiography on a borderline geriatric’s life has to be to speak on it before even getting to the last chapter (JK I love you Slash!). I sometimes tend to look at a public figure’s personality at face value, especially if they're older – I try not to psychoanalyze too much into it in order to maintain my promise to not become chronically online again. But it’s especially harder if said public figure comes from the ages where there was absolutely no social media, and people were forced to look at their personas at face value anyways. So far in my journey to understanding Mr. Slash’s lifestyle, I’ve been granted with the following:
He comes from a true definitive 70s Bohemian, semi-nepo baby household. His mother, Ola Hudson (an icon who has unfortunately passed over long ago), was a costume designer for many significant cultural stars of the time while his father, Anthony Hudson, was a graphic designer of sorts and if I remember correctly, would design logos and posters for a variety of bands. The bottom line is, they were both very well-connected artists, and I can only imagine growing in that type of environment!
In this Bohemian lifestyle, he was given a little too much freedom to which he would get up to any and all shenanigans aging from preschool and going well into high school. It seems that no matter how little or how many restrictions you’re given growing up, humans always end up developing these weird little cases of trauma no matter what. It’s really kinda sad but the unfortunate truth.
Unbeknownst to me, Slash was the biggest go-getter and hustler I’ve ever seen and that came as an incredible shock. Considering how far Guns N’ Roses has gotten, it seems like common sense. Yet when I would watch interviews with them (in my teenage years), I would’ve completely guessed otherwise. Even with his familial connections, he refused to seek handouts. He worked his fair share of lower income jobs and couch hopped from place to place just to make a name for himself – and maybe some form of rebellion. He wanted GNR to be a “strap yourself by the bootstraps” band for lack of better word, and it's completely understandable considering their competition at the time were “corny” looking Glam metal bands and wannabe LA Punk rockers. GNR is in an entirely different league on its own, incomparable to those that became more washed up in the end due to their following of soon to come outdated trends.
Slash and his gang of misfits that we know in love valued authenticity HEAVY. This became one of the things I’ve grown to respect towards him even more because if you know me as a person, I preach the morale of authenticity so hardcore you’d think they’d give me a TED Talk on the subject alone. Even through all the managements and corporations that tried to get them to change who they are, the incoming shockwave of new sounds that started at the birth of 90s Grunge bands, and their consistent headbutting within the group itself, they stayed true to who they were and didn’t let anyone get in the way of their determination – they were ready to face any obstacles that came their way as long as they could stay true to themselves.
Slash definitely became the current runner up for inspiration during my time of need right now. The more pages I go through, the more I aspire to reach and match the energy that he had to get to where he wanted to be and that’s exactly the type of reassurance I need. The reassurance that someone that was once in a similar position to me, made it so far and wide all over the world that only some only get to daydream about.
So, what else have I been up to since our last update? Well, nothing. Okay, I can’t say exactly nothing. Right about now, I spend my days in the house, gathering my bearings and honestly deciding what my next course of action will be. In September, I celebrated my 23rd birthday (yes that’s right, DESTRUCTIONXDOLL IS in fact a Virgo – couldn’t you tell?) with some close, amazing people I grow to love each and every day. I saw Lucii live as the clock struck 12 on the dot, even got a picture with her! It was my first sober birthday in awhile so I felt a little off kilter and was one of the moments I realized maybe I’m just quite not ready to go out and party unless it has to do with my career. Speaking of careers! I had the ultimate pleasure of shooting a few shows in between as I settled into my process of moving a few cities away (closer to the beach and I cannot WAIT for Spring and Summer to approach). The biggest one, so far, had to have been Baltimore’s Dubstep “Fright Fest” where I accompanied my great friend, who I’ll link below, to capture so many different artists at once.
Because of the fest having a variety of stages, from Drum n Bass, to Techno, and the largest stage with Dubstep artists, we found ourselves bouncing to and from each set to catch the movements of the audience and the thrilling energy that was interacted with the DJs.
I’d like to also give praise to the fact that I just started my photography hitch only 3 months ago, and I was able to shoot for one of DC’s biggest (in size of popularity as opposed to the size of the actual venue) venues for all things EDM, “Soundcheck” – in that amount of time! It was a surreal experience for me, going from someone so used to being in the crowd and tearing up the dancefloor, who had been to that venue a copious amount of times to see my favorite artists, to getting behind the DJ booth, finally getting to see from the eyes of the DJ, what buttons they pressed, what songs they were gonna select next to hype the crowd, even just SEEING the energy of the crowd as they anticipate what was to come. These experiences, though only few as of now, filled me with emotions I can’t even begin to express properly. As I’m typing this, it STILL doesn’t feel completely real to me. If you would’ve told 16-year-old me, the little Mall Goth girl blasting Deftones and Slipknot, so delved and involved in the music scene trying to catch every show that even stepped foot in the DC area, that I’d be actually putting forth the effort to things I thought would only stay a mystical fantasy.
*FOLLOW: THE LOVELY MONICA + MORE, @GANGSTAPARADISEART ON INSTAGRAM FOR MORE! (Some of these pictures were taken off the page, so don't judge my cropping errors, okay?!)
Outside of my self-made up-and-coming career, I’m going to continue leaning into this moment of introspection as everything and everyone starts to wind down for the rest of the year. I grow nostalgic of my time with people, places, and things from my past because compared to my current “mundane” (in actuality just still-standing) lifestyle, that self-indulging version of me seemed like it WAS the best version of me. I felt like the belle of the ball, the one who could outdo every man under the table via drugs, the one who could socialize with anyone in the room with her outlandish and rebellious personality, the one who felt like she had proven herself and everyone that doubted her potential, WRONG. I felt like I was accomplishing something when I was really destroying myself from the inside out. For awhile, I’ve been searching for that high again, that one last hit of dopamine to go absolutely buckwild so I can feel, once more, what was my sense of normality.
Admittedly, it was all in good fun – at first. But not all good things can last forever. People often use that phrase to endorse their pessimistic visions of life, but I’d like to use it to explain that not all things we VIEW as good will last forever. My perception of my actions were completely warped by what might’ve been my reality; with friends, with family, with my career, my education, etc. 7 months later, after 2 years of what I thought I was building up to my dream life, came crumbling down to break that perception, and I’m finally picking up the pieces to rebuild it in its true form. I no longer like to claim myself as a good person – I don’t like to claim myself as a bad person. Everything I once was and the actions I did unto myself and others, will always have various sides to its stories. I now see life as a grey area for me. This is so I don’t put pressure onto what I think a good person should do and act like, and instead only do what I think is best for my health and sanity. I can’t proceed with anything I want and love without keeping myself in check first, and I’ve finally realized that. Now, I’m not gonna say I’m a HORRIBLE person, I haven’t committed any moral or mainly legal crimes, thank god (drugs aside). I try not to think too deeply about myself in any type of way throughout my day anyways, I feel like it's a little too narcissistic. Though weirdly, in this strange yet endearing turn of events, I’m slowly gathering the notion to not care too much about what others think of me either. To be in the public eye is to gain the wisdom that people are gonna think and judge you based on their reflected experiences, and they too can have a warped perception of reality. Its freed me so much to come to this understanding and allows me to express myself without worry.
The anxiety that I may be doing something wrong at any turn combined with my character defect of people-pleasing will kill me faster than any drug, accident, or serial killer running amongst us.
Something a lot of us need to realize is that you can’t make everybody happy, you just can’t. There’s always gonna be something said about you and there’s nothing you can do about it. You know what they say, all publicity is good publicity! I find comfort in knowing that as long as I can express myself freely without question, knowing that it can only lead me in the next right direction, nothing anyone can say about me will disrupt me. Plus, who can beat my ass about? 9/10 the gossip is behind your back! At least be confident and flaunt around it!
And just what is to come for this website and the next content? That is the formidable question. I’ve been able to make the conscious decision to turn this format into a web diary. I’ll always post about what I love, what inspires me, and what gets my gears moving. I grew up a social media girl and I may just end a social media girl! I want to start taking you all through my journey behind the rails, backstage and up close and personal through my journey of not just myself, but my encounters within the music (and hopefully in the future, fashion) scene, interviews with artists, reviews of shows, consistent lists of what I’m into at different moments, and my overall experience of being a media personnel. I’d also like to make more of these diary entries for you all to take a peek into what's going through my head – I only hope that I can become a mouthpiece for those who go through what I go through and want to feel seen and heard. My optimism for the future holds no boundaries and I’d be lying if I said I can’t contain my excitement for what comes my way.
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