Since the start of my first post on Twitter, the first words written on my formidable content discussing such topics as music, beauty, fashion, all with a variety of subcultures, and being given the grace and experience to interact with so many wonderful people from all over the world both on and offline, the brand that I love to call “DESTRUCTION X DOLL” has become something I’ve come to treasure so valuable and so deeply that its become one of the largest things that drives me every day. Through my opinions, agreeable and controversial, trend forecasts of what's to come in the world of art, and my appraisal of our favorite socialites, celebs, and icons, I feel like I’ve given you all pieces of me that have allowed you to see the ins and outs of the things I am constantly thinking about and who I am.
But to tell you the truth, I myself am starting to wonder who I am.
This isn’t to say my entire personality is completely curated to fit the likings of an audience, ABSOLUTELY not! This isn’t a nihilistic, existential crisis piece that I’ve decided to write either – that would be too cringey for my taste. Instead, take this as my thoughts of vulnerability and promises I’ve made over and over that I have just never gotten the courage to say out loud. In fear of failure? In fear of said vulnerability? In fear of not being deemed perfect enough or not living up to what some people may expect me to be? All things that’ve run through my head and yes, these are some of the biggest reasons as to why I haven’t been as present as I know I could be, but it also has become a little more complex than that.
If you haven’t noticed, my presence in the scene of where I live (DMV representation!) and within my online community has fluctuated for the past few months now since the earlier parts of this year. In March 2024, I had to muster up the strength and courage to admit myself into a rehabilitation facility for an outrageous substance abuse problem and mental health crisis. Though my initial thought was to pull an Amy Winehouse when they [my family] “tried to make me go to rehab”, “I said” – ugh fuck it. It wasn’t the most ideal situation in the beginning, let me tell you. I mean, do you really expect a young girl in her 20s like me, at the height of her partying game AND gaining connections with people, especially other artists in my community, to drop everything she’s doing and enter a place where she has no one inside of those 4 walls with, no access to the outside world technologically? As if! But alas, the decision was made. I entered my local rehab on March 10th and for the next 30 days I gained an experience I don’t think I’ll ever forget. I would increase my time there for 2 more weeks as I eventually started to realize a lot of what was going on with me had led me to feel that I truly wasn’t ready to face the world and the people that I became a shoulder to lean on, family and friends included. I needed to do this for me and if that meant cutting off giving myself an extension and cutting off even more contact, I was perfectly fine with that. I was given the best advice and even greatest therapeutic sessions which helped change my thinking for the better and thus made me want to change my behavior. I connected with so many amazing people I will never forget and still try to keep up contact with because of the impact they had. I participated in activities that let me get in touch with my creative side and allowed me to have a bonding experience with others in the same predicament as I. Evenmoreso, I met the man of my dreams and current partner in the same place I was seeking solace; to this day I say to myself, if all this struggle with myself meant me meeting the love of my life, someone who has made my life so much brighter and influenced my personal growth more than anyone could’ve before, I know (to an extent) it was all worth it. I can also count the amount of unpreferable moments that weren’t so peachy keen. Thoughts of using become much louder in your head once you register your substance of choice is inaccessible. I can’t tell you how many times I’d overthink and allow myself to get overwhelmed during my stay there. I still can pinpoint the specific day I had my biggest mental breakdown to date (which has only happened very, very rarely in my life and I am thankful it is not a common occurrence). A building full of a bunch of junkies and alcoholics isn’t the most ideal situation for a lot of people either – we had our fair share of conflicts, disagreements, and arguments; we all were worn down by the inescapable presence and responsibilities of life, but at the end of the all we really had was each other. Rules within the facility weren’t always up to par and so recognizably inconsistent that it caused a string of problems for so many of us, so much so that one personal instance drove me to the point of asking to AMA (leaving Against Medical Advice – thankfully I was convinced to stay and instead wrote up a 4 page paper put together with a petition and unintentionally became the spokesperson-mouthpiece for half the facility that signed – talk about an activist!) Despite all this, for better or for worse, I don’t regret a single thing I’ve gone through or been put through. It was a rocky moment in time for me, and still I am ironing out the wrinkles of how it's made me feel and where it's led me to, but I ultimately wouldn’t have become the person I am today because of it. That as a reminder in itself is enough for me.
Since my release in May, I’ve been slowly getting back on my feet in terms of going back into the world, socially and professionally. But there comes a point where you have to garner all that knowledge, all that wisdom, all that help you were given during your stay in the “safety net” as I like to call it, and execute in the best way that you know how. What a lot of people fail to realize is once you’re back in the environment you started in, you have to go about changing almost any and everything you had dealt with prior. This also goes hand in hand with issues you might’ve been facing internally or externally. The kicker here is, you aren’t able to have those same substances that were by your side as a coping mechanism to help you through your day to day journey – not without relapsing and going back to square 1. For me, this was the toughest truth I had no choice but to accept. As much as I love change, I only care for it when it's something under my control, MY jurisdiction (yeah yeah, major control freak how shocking).
Days and weeks leading up to my release, I knew everything in my life would remain the same. I would return to the party and music scene in a more normal manner than before, I would be surrounded by my same friends who loved and understood what I’ve been going through and vow to support me no matter what, and I would keep myself under control so I would never go through that same life spiral again. That’s what I kept telling myself as I prayed and prayed for it to reign true the second I touched the steps of my home. I ignored the distress of my friends’ tones whenever I was able to have a conversation with them. I ignored the fact that once we saw each other for the very first time since my stay, how weirdly unenthusiastic the energy felt in person as if I hadn’t been gone for two months. I tried to ignore the fact that I would be placed under a microscope and a higher standard from my family so as to do better for their sanity, to come back as a functioning and useful member of society again. I just about almost ignored the fact that I was beginning to feel like I was spreading myself thin to keep things in my relationships peaceful and that it wasn’t one of several underlying reasons I was spiraling in the first place and using substances as a way to keep up with everything and cope with anything. I tried to ignore the fact that I couldn’t hang in the same spaces I often frequented because it would trigger me more than I thought it would before, that I’d be fine as if nothing ever occurred these past few months. I was blinded by the fact that not everyone I loved and cared would be able to grasp the depthness of what I was going through, that I’m not the same person I was going in and the person that came out is in a much different headspace and going through and even more vulnerable moment in her life.
I couldn’t continue to ignore all the plans I canceled last second, all the phone calls and texts I pretended not to see, and all the dozens of apologies I made to hide from how I was feeling and not communicating. No matter how much I wanted to save face and keep the first circle of girlfriends I felt so close to, the girls who made me feel like I could accomplish anything and still be myself in the process, the truest friends that I ever had in my entire life, shut down me down with such a simple response:
“Addiction and depression doesn’t excuse being a bad friend”.
I try to hold a mirror to myself any time I’m able to in order to see where I really screw up, and I’ll admit it's not the easiest task, I still tend to struggle with this even with what I know. The first 2 months of my return weren’t the proudest moments I’ve endured in my life. I was still lying to everyone, hiding from the world, pretending I was the same person and nothing could break me down. And to be frank, I truly believed it. I didn’t even last 48 hours before I was back up to my same old shenanigans. Although it isn’t the smartest approach right after rebounding from recovery, I was able to get it all out of my system which helped me come to terms with what I really need and what I thought I need.
At first I couldn’t bring myself to understand why they didn’t understand what I was going through. Sure, I promised I would bounce back better than ever and we’d be at the same craziness even more than before, but couldn’t they see that everything is harder than I thought it would be?! Yes, I know you were upset that I decided to extend my time of healing because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving when I knew I wasn’t ready, but shouldn’t you have been happy that I acknowledged what a lot of people don’t?! I know I fucked up with my communication and exclaim how worried for me you guys were, even today I go through spliffs with family and partner because of this weakest suit of mine. But with a response like that and paragraphs with the same undertone, I can’t help but beg the question: Was I ever really perceived on the same level of love and understanding that I perceived everybody else had for me – was I utilized for doing things out of the kindness of my heart that I wouldn’t have done for others on the outskirts of our relationship– was all of this ever really genuine?
Change and healing, when tied with the weight of addiction recovery, is not the road of simplicity many people think it may be. Hell, some people don’t even conceptualize addiction as a real problem, let alone a disease (of the central nervous system to be exact – “Substance Use Disorder”)! I can attest to this, and I can’t put all the blame on others in the shadows of ignorance. Addiction doesn’t get the educational coverage it deserves and there are hundreds of thousands, even millions of people walking this Earth that live under the impression that there is nothing wrong with how often they and/or their loved ones use their vices, be it alcohol, Benzos, Opioids, Amphetamines and other stimulants, and for me, Cocaine. For the longest I lived through that same attitude of ignorance, but just like others, I didn’t know any better –
“Addiction is just a play on the mind, why would you struggle with something that could easily be taken over if you chose to?”
Because of my family history, I’m susceptible to addiction genetically (alcoholism is a big one) but I never could’ve imagined it’d happen to me. I never had an addictive personality naturally, and I certainly don’t like partaking in a lot of other social uses because I’d always get bored of them. Its when you find that sweet-spot substance that boosts the dopamine you’ve been constantly looking for in just the right ways, that takes the edge off so much you just wanna keep it going even if for just a couple of hours, that inevitably goes from being something you only use socially or every other weekend to every waking moment you decide you need to ease the pain, that it becomes the problem child. Addiction will creep its way into your life before you really process what's going on and by the time you do begin to question it (IF you get the luxury to recognize it),it’s already snowballed out of control and made its way into your daily routine. Even with this account, this is only scratching the surface of how deep addiction can really go. It’s not something you can just “bounce back” from and unfortunately not the smoothest of transitions.
My personal addiction is something I’m gonna have to work on recovering from more than likely for the rest of my life, as long as I live – however long that may be. Today, I’ve reached 3 months since being in rehab! Yet despite this cause for celebration, I still feel like a toddler reliant on crawling for so long that learning how to walk doesn’t even seem like a cognizant option – but it's necessary. Well, I actually like to use a different metaphor when people ask me how I’m doing: “I feel like a newborn baby who’s just gone through the traumatic experience of birth and now learning how to be a living, breathing human again.” Same concept but either way it makes for great banter to avoid my usual unintentional dry humor. Things haven’t been the easiest on my mental, I’ll be the first to say. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had my fair share of slip ups since being back. Recovery typically encourages you to abstain from substances completely because “1 is too many and 1000s never enough” – for most, there is no point of return. I have so much respect for recovering addicts who remain true to these values we are taught in programs like AA, NA, and Smart Recovery WHILE working through the 12 Steps for as much as possible. I knew it was going to be a task I’d beat myself up over on a daily basis. As a response, I made the conscious decision and promise to myself that before I went in rawdogging a life of abstinence, I would first practice a lifestyle that included harm reduction.
In this way, I’ve been able to cut any extreme substance use I dealt with in the beginning of the year and have taken the baby steps to remain as clean as possible, hour by hour, day by day, week by week.
I expressed how I felt to my friends despite their responses, and have decided to step away from everyone and everything, along with the music and party scene I once knew, at least for the time being. I’ve been laying low in my humble abode, trying to get back on my feet and making plans to revisit the activities I once loved as a way of comfort and coping, trying to find time to attend (Addiction related) meetings and therapy sessions for my well being, and working on showing the compassion and kindheartedness that my family, partner, and others close to me once knew me for.
Peace is something I’m trying to come to terms with and tolerate in my life as it puts me on an intense amount of edge. I always feel like I should rush into something, I should find that next best thing for my writing, for ideas, for fun, anything that’ll shake things up and won’t make me feel so…lonely. I find myself contemplating that “loneliness” feeling often lately. This room for “loneliness” has brought me to a state of pondering upon who I actually am and if I’m sure of what I want out of life. It’s a weird trial of self identification that I can’t quite explain nor put my finger on just yet, nonetheless I hope I get to reach a period of enlightenment – maybe something I can share with you all! One thing that can’t be taken away from me during this process however, is my writing and my ideas – this much I know for sure.
Writing and returning to reading has become probably my top 5 favorite singular outlets and pastimes so far. Writing gives me the firmness to stand on how I feel along with what I’m thinking and is like the final nail in the coffin I can’t double back from once on paper. Reading allows me to have my guard down during moments of mindfulness and travels my mind through different realms of past realities, parallel universes, and even paranormal activities!
I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t “loneliness” that’s encaged my being, but the same peace that I’ve been running away from for so many years.
As of right now, all I can do is go through the stillness of life that I’m lucky and grateful to have been granted. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world at this current moment as I continue to use it to my advantage while producing more content. I would love to put out more deep cut pieces like this and even get more of you all as the audience involved and interacting! Maybe through interviews, writings on the forum walls to show us your personal stories, ideas, opinions, etc.
I hope this reaches those who needed to hear it the most and have gone through or know someone that has gone through the similar conditions of hardship and recovery. I hope that any and everyone can find solace in knowing that they’re not alone, to take whatever resonates and use it as the courage to strive for a life of betterment for themselves. Remember to tell the people you love in your life how much they mean to you and how much you care for them, that anything they go through they’re not alone and it takes a village – yes to raise a child as the original saying goes – but in hindsight to create a better community for ourselves and those same people in our lives
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